Tastes Like Rock!



Metalachi Mutherfu@&er!
By Danielle Blanchette
Posted: 10/3/13 6:27 PM ET

It started with my friend telling me “You have to hear this!”, and playing what can only be described as, 'A total train wreck of awesomeness in your face!'



Then the stories of “The Immigracion Song”.  And the horrible, crangly-sounding YouTube videos of these blurry demon-ish looking characters, the videos where you can't tell what's going on, but leave you nauseous and with your ears bleeding. 



But if you think this wretched assault to my senses would bring me to run in the opposite direction, rather than become increasingly obsessed, then you do not know me, or the power that is....Metalachi.  



Oh yes, Metalachi.  It is EXACTLY what it sounds like.  They hail themselves as the world's first and only metal mariachi band. 



Come again? You heard me.  



METAL … MARIACHI … MUSIC



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Metalachi Mutherfu&%er!   Think you've seen it all, guess again! 



It's like Menudo ran over Jesus with a snowblower.  While drunk on Tequila.  And having a threesome with your mother and your pobre perrito.   It's that wrong.   And SOOOOO DAMN GOOD!



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It's pretty obvious why El Cucuy is a hit with the ladies.



The night in question, when I got my first dose of the chi-chi lovin', Chicano, quintet occurred about a week after my initial introduction.  Ok, infatuation.  Ok, I may have stalked them a little.  



 Turns out, Metalachi is playing a bunch of shows over the next 4 months here in Vegas, at the Hardrock Casino– even calling it Metalachi Monday! I attended the grand opening night of this four month run, and my god...it was even better worse more amazingly horrific than I could ever have expected.



These guys dress up and act all super-flamboyant-womanizing-stereotyped-Mexican.  Actually, they might just permanently be like this.  I’m really not sure.   But how can you not love a band whose violinist wears short shorts and a belly shirt?   Or whose trumpet player looks and sounds like Gwar impregnated the lunch lady?  With mariachi renditions of songs by Rage Against the Machine, Led Zeppelin, and Metallica, as well as more metal versions of famous Spanish songs like Los Lobos 'Spanish Guitar' from Desperado, Metalachi is total cross cultural contamination!  



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Vegas De La Rockha is the ever, um revealing frontman...but watch out for Ramon Holiday in the back.  He lost his virginity to a carne asada burrito.  No saying what he'll do to you from behind. 



No drummer, constant coercion to see the “chi-chi's” (aka: “titties” for us white folk), getting girls drunk on full glasses of tequila (aka: Metalachi margaritas), and lap dancing what I'm pretty sure was a minor (whose father was behind me simultaneously horrified yet thrilled his daughter got picked to go onstage).  Metalachi is guaranteed to be NOTHING like anything you have ever seen before. 



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On certain holidays, they let Ramon Holiday come to the front.  But that's really only when the rest of the band needs to go get more tequila and chi-chis. 



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Vegas De La Rockha gets all up in yo' face.  Sometimes with his mic.  Other times with his balls.   He really has an unnatural attachment to those skinny pants. 



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Maximillion “Dirty” Sanchez likes to show off just how fast those finger of his can move, along with his jazzercise abilities.   Don't discount the benefits of the jazzercise. 



Trying to find out any actual information about them is pretty impossible too.   Their biographies read like a Spanish telenovela.  Five bastard babies, born in Mexico to a tequila swilling, karaoke loving lady named Consuela, who, deciding she had more important things to do than raise kids, packed them into the saddlebags of a burro, and sent them off to America, where they found metal music and became the international mystery that is today known as Metalachi. 



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WHAT THE FUCK?  Why is there a gringo on the stage?   Blame Equal Opportunity.  Warren Moscow got brought on with the band after blowing up his last one.  (Don't smoke near dynamite kids). This Brit is now the MC, manager, and basically just runs around on stage trying to look cool.  Which he doesn't.  Typical white dude.



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Pancho Rockafeller does have a big guitar, but don't worry, he's still happy to see you.



There is no real describing Metalachi, it is just one of those bands you have to experience. Neither words nor photos can ever really describe the full throttle thing. It's just something that you have to trust me will change you.



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Vegas De La Rockha shows off his Mexicanness in the most stereotypical ways possible. 



Permanently.



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Surprisingly, El Cucuy is good at something other than yelling to see chi-chis.  Of course that thing involves blowing.  Basically El Cucuy is a master at all that is oral. 



Oh, and did I tell you about El Cucuy's lime juicing cod piece?  The one you have to get on your knees to drink from?  



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El Cucuy knows how to bring women to their knees.



Oh I didn't? 



Well yeah, there's that too. 



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And yes, that lime-juicing phallicy really works. 



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